Without Greg, existence is hard.
Oh, I can do chores that need done. I can talk to people. I can blow money – 2020 Ford F150 last week. I can sleep. I can eat. I can carry on day-to-day functions as if nothing has changed.
But everything has changed.
It’s been a year and seven days since Greg died. I know most people who see me out and about don’t think that I’m doing anything any differently than I did for the past forty-two years. I get up in the mornings, go to work (well, not exactly – the shop is there and I have it open, but I’m not really “working”). I get lunch at the usual places and times. I go home.
There are no words to describe this existence. No matter what is said, nor how it is said, words cannot begin to convey the grief, frustration, anger, loss, emptiness nor wariness that are my companions. Loneliness is perhaps the least of my daily burdens as I was an only child and am basically a loner.
The best way I can describe my current existence is that I feel lost. Without an anchor. Without direction. Without purpose. Greg was my rock, my safety, my heart. A constant in my life that will never be here again.
Reminders of Greg hit me hard, like driving down the road and meeting someone driving a truck like his. My immediate pleasant thought is “There’s Greg” -- then it hits me – that’s not Greg and I’ll never see him driving our 1994 Ford F150 again. Or picking up my cell phone to call Greg to see what time he’ll be home – and my heart sinks when I get halfway through dialing his number and remember that he will never be home again.
Everything reminds me of Greg . . . trucks, deer, music and guitars, sunshine and wind . . . if it exists, in some way it reminds me of Greg. What he liked, what he disliked. What he would say about those likes and dislikes. What he’d tell me about his childhood. What he’d tell me about people he met.
There is not a single thing that doesn’t remind me of Greg some way, somehow; most, thankfully, do not bring me to tears, but those that do bring me to tears are painful reminders that my life is forever changed and there is nothing that can replace what is gone.
