My theme song for this date – 29 October 2022.
Lonesome all the way to the bone.I knew yesterday morning it was going to be a long weekend. I didn’t expect loneliness to hit me this hard, hard enough that nothing suits. Nothing.
So I’ve been driving. Traffic was moving so I’ve run with it, as fast as 75 to 80 in a 45 m.p.h. construction zone. Driving isn’t helping, even with Travis on the stereo.
Nor have I been able to consider reaching out to someone to talk to or travel with. The thoughts of having to be cordial disrupts my equilibrium more than it already is.
So I’m in a truck stop in Mt. Vernon, having breakfast for lunch, debating where to go from here. I will drive over to Renfro Valley and pick up a leaf, one that is cupped, and I’ll put it on Greg’s grave to use as a bowl for the M&M’s I leave there; a raccoon comes to eat them and sometimes walks over and pats my leg.
Greg. I’ve missed him all week. Missed all we did in our forty-two years together. Long hours at work. Driving back roads half the night. Meals in restaurants of all kinds. Concerts at Freedom Hall and nights in Executive Inn – Greg’s home away from home. And music – Greg loved music, and I loved to hear him sing and play one of his guitars.
Tears have come while I’m writing this, but they have been from sadness instead of the hard grief I experienced so many times last year. Most of the tears I’ve shed the past few weeks have been from sadness. I have had some bouts with grief, but the pain wasn’t all the way to the bone, and the attacks abated as quickly as they came.
Sadness lingers, and is overridden with loneliness today. I know neither of these is likely to completely disappear from my life. I can only hope that days like today become fewer and further between.
I will survive.
