An innocuous question from a pastor of a local church; I could not answer him for I would have started crying. The pastor was just in the spirit of the day – annual festival – and I was slowly walking around downtown. I guess he did think I was looking for someone.
The someone I would be looking for is no longer on this earth. I have missed Greg terribly this week, starting last Saturday. I have managed a day or two without tears by the time I got to town in the mornings, but some little thing would bring them at most any time.
Five or six young deer in the neighbor’s cornfield two afternoons ago. A heron flying up from the swamp when I went home at lunch today. One little deer at the corner of our trees by the cemetery road this morning. Cardinals swooping across the road as I drove up the hill from our driveway. A piece of chipboard on which Greg had written “Peggy’s pattern.” Making notepads, which are nowhere as neat as Greg could make them; I hope the customer understands.
And the really hard one this evening . . . sitting in the shop, listening to a band play on the square. Greg would have been out in the crowd, talking to everyone he knew, listening to the music, occasionally coming back to the shop to check on me and tell me who all he had talked to. This is Friday night. I will be here tomorrow night, listening to a different group of musicians and missing Greg with all my being.
I know tomorrow and Sunday will be hard. Tomorrow I will be in the shop from morning until after the evening music is over, remembering all the times Greg and I hung around here when there were events downtown, and how much he enjoyed listening to the music. Sunday I will sleep in and awake without Greg in my life.
I never expected the grief and the heartache to go away. I know both will always be with me. I did think that I could manage to put some distance between me and the tears, to less frequently be crying, even over memories of happy times; actually those bring the most tears.
Yes, I am looking for someone. Someone I will never find again. My Greg.
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