Yesterday, while I was waiting to see my opthamologist, I was about to the end of a book that I’d been reading a bit at a time during the week. It’s a fun book, Gators and Garters, with plenty of funny scenes and some serious scenes. When I got to the part about a wedding, grief struck again with the title of a song.
I don’t remember ever hearing the song before -- “The Dance” by Garth Brooks -- except maybe in bits and pieces if it was playing in a store where I was shopping. I didn’t know the words, but looked them up when I got back to the shop. It is not a song that I would consider playing at a wedding.
I knew that music would allow grief to overwhelm me at times but I never expected that just seeing the title of a song in print would do the same, especially a song I was not familiar with.
Once again I mourned the loss of Greg. Once again I wondered if the grief will ever ease. Once again I wondered why 2021 has hit me so hard.
Why this year? Is it the way we say it? Twenty twenty-one, the numbers in the correct sequence. This happens only once in a century. Was that the trigger on January 1, 2021, of the many days and nights of unrelenting grief I have had since? Is the calendar letting me know that there is no next step for me?
No tomorrows with Greg. No next weeks. No next months. No next years.
No more hearing Greg sing. No more seeing his smile. No more of his wonderful hugs.
No more love in my life. No more hope for there ever being love in my life again.
I don’t know what this year will bring into my life. I do know that days like yesterday, that leave me exhausted emotionally and physically, are not days I wish to repeat.
I am ready for a step away from grief.
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