Embracing Grief

After this past week, I have decided that fighting grief is an exercise in futility. No matter how much I try to keep it at bay, it overcomes all my resistance and frequently brings me to tears.

The most innocuous things bring tears. I ordered some cement sealer and stain today from a company in Connecticut. I told the nice gentleman on the phone that I wanted to stain a deer statue to use as part of Greg’s tombstone. We discussed differences in concrete finishes, the chemicals that might be in concrete and affect the stain -- then, near the end of the conversation, he offered condolences.

And the tears came. Just thinking about it hours later brings tears.

This has been my life for nearly two years.

I have fought grief. I have let the tears fall at times I probably should not have. I have tried to force myself to have -- if not happy -- pleasant and peaceful days.

Nothing works.

Embracing grief and all the upheavals it brings seems to be my only choice. If I allow myself to let grief wrap me in its darkness as often as it likes, will it become bored with me and dissipate sooner? Or will I sink deeper into its clutches, never to resurface?

Grief is not easy to live with. I am tired of experiencing sudden tears, the pain that arises when I least expect it, the loss of stability in my moods throughout a day.

So, I will embrace grief. If this means long nights of tears, so be it.

Something has to give and I don’t intend for it to be me.