Leveled-Out Week

Mostly.

Sunday morning I was in a fairly good spot emotionally until I talked to Greg’s “daughter” in Walmart for a few minutes. So many memories appeared -- of Greg, her and me at work, times she rode with us to deliver work, times she and Greg would argue about something -- usually reaching an agreement without too much bickering.

Tears followed, through my shopping, through driving to the shop and checking email and feeding the cat. The tears dried up around noon but the rest of the day was saddened.

I’ve shed some tears the past few days, but not as many nor with the intensity there has been the past few months. I don’t know if this is an indication that grief has decided to ignore me for a bit or is plotting a comeback that will devastate me.

I hope there is no comeback. The occasional tears I expect and can usually chase them away with pleasant thoughts of Greg. Lasting through a full-fledged attack by grief is rough and recovery time is lengthy.

So far this week I have done daily routines, sat at Greg’s grave and talked to him and talked to God, petted the cats, mowed the yard, listened to some music. I have thanked God for all He does for me, and started writing a blessings journal. I’m still writing about things that bother me, and letters that I cannot send, and burning them.

Maybe the accumulation of all that I’ve done has helped me have an easier week emotionally.

Oh, I miss Greg -- constantly, with ever fibre of my being. My life will never return to what I consider “normal” for Greg isn’t here to share it with.

My mood may have leveled out but my life never will.